Life on the Edge

Autumn used to be my favorite time of year, the amazing colors of the deciduous forest, the assortment of multicolored mushrooms, the fall flowers. Four of my kids were born in later summer or early fall. I loved harvesting my garden, the surprise of huge pumpkins, or perfectly shaped candy roasters. The fragrance of herbs filled my senses.

Six years ago, I lost my 5th child, one of my later summer sons. My world changed forever. It has seemed like I have been sitting on the edge of the world, looking for something familiar, comforting, and finding nothing.

I am again enduring serious illness, as I did when I first lost my son. Looking out, daringly over the precipice of life is frightening now. I find no joy, no adventure, no song in my heart.

Take the beauty of life when it presents itself. It may not be there tomorrow. It will never be the same again.

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28 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Nicole said,

    Sorry to hear you’ve lost a son. The way you’ve expressed your feelings in the above post however, is very eloquent.

  2. 2

    Janet said,

    So sorry for your loss. And I agree with the comment from Nicole. The way you’ve expressed yourself is very moving.

  3. 3

    bamamagput said,

    Your grief sounds profound. I cannot say anything that might make the pain less but I hope you find the way to move again with the agility of spirit I am sure your son would recognize. Your other children need you to be as whole as you possible can be. I had a friend that lost her brother and she mentioned to me how she had to go to her mother and say, and I will paraphrase, “Look I know you are feeling empty, we all are, but I am here. I still need to see you grab hold of the moments of happiness and enjoy them with me. I need you to hold my hand when times get tough. Our family is not complete in the ways that were so comfortable to us as before but we need to live not just exist. We owe that to each other.”

  4. 5

    a pain like no other…sending you kind thoughts x

  5. 6

    How sad. Yes, life goes on after the loss of someone we love, but it’s changed forever. I’m so sorry.

  6. 7

    billgncs said,

    sorry for your loss, I hope that some moments you can think back and celebrate that he was here, and some of the joy you both found with each other in that too brief time and space.

  7. 8

    Sandra Bennett said,

    He will always be your 5 of 6…His spirit surrounds you and will hold you up again. This season will pass, and hopefully you will again find
    a little joy, You have so much teaching yet to do, and so much love yet to give. You are always in my heart.

    • 9

      beebeesworld said,

      He will, Sandra, sorry I havent written a lot-samantha is in hospital after complications from gall bladder surgery, I am suffering heart failure again, so many more problems-its just so hard. Cuz L is very bad. love u thinkin of u beebee

  8. 10

    Delft said,

    Sorry for your loss. I think it’s an experience no-one can relate to if they’ve not had it: we can only guess at the pain it must cause.

    And a valuable lesson, to appreciate the good things in life while we can.

  9. 11

    Lucid Gypsy said,

    I am so sorry Beebee, there are no words that help. Take care and I hope you are well soon.

  10. 12

    How sad, I’m so sorry for your loss.

  11. 13

    GoofyJ said,

    Beautifully put. I feel much the same and often lack the words to say it. Out oldest of 6 passed away in April of this year – just two weeks before she turn 13. I don’t know you, but as one who knows your pain, I send a heartfelt hug of understanding and encouragement.

    • 14

      beebeesworld said,

      I am so sorry for your loss- no words describe it-no mount of time takes away the loss, the unfairness, the grief and pain. I stand with you in your effort to just get thru each day. best wishes, beeebeesworld

  12. 15

    Imelda said,

    What a beautifully poignant piece of writing. The loss of a child is every parent’s nightmare. I feel for you. May you have the strength you need for each day.

  13. 16

    vbholmes said,

    It’s a sad time, Beebee, and complicated by current concerns. Wishing you strength and a speedy return to good health.

  14. 17

    I am in prayer for you. Joy will come when you least expect it.
    Exodus 15:26…….”For I am the Lord who heals you”

  15. 19

    I’m so sorry to hear about your son and that you are sick now. I will be praying for you too.

  16. 20

    patricemj said,

    I’m so sorry about your son, Beebee. We are forever changed by profound loss, there’s no getting around that. To stand face to face with experiences most will never know or understand is an enduring trauma. For me, the hardest part of this kind of life is realizing the majority of those around whom I circulate will never know this reality. Not that I would want them to know it…but…

    I haven’t lost a child, but I did lose both my parents when I was young. My life has felt unbearably lonely, and even lonlier knowing I had to just pick myself up and make the best of it, which I did, I think. For me the hard month is July. It took me a long time to see joy in summer again.

  17. 22

    I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son and your ill health. I haven’t lost a child and so cannot pretend to know how it feels. I can only express how deeply saddened I feel. May the almighty give you comfort and good health. I have you in my prayers, Beebee. Hugs and blessings.

  18. 23

    russtowne said,

    I hope the joy returns for you beebee. May you find inner peace and lasting joy, and may the abyss never seem so dark or inviting as to entice you not to hang in there at least one more day. Every day.
    Russ

  19. 24

    sytremaine said,

    Loss, you,ve stated it so eloquently. The mind and body shutting down, the paralysis of grief. Thank you for articulating your struggle, it helps others out here with losses of our own. Take care and find a way through

  20. 25

    journalplace said,

    Hope today is a day you can find the beauty of the moment.

  21. 27

    coville123 said,

    So sorry for you BeeBee I cannot even imagine your pain or loss of your son,such tragedy.I will be praying for you and your return to good health.Keep writing your such a talented one.


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