Christmas Past

Albums from my shelf stare at me-
Don’t take them down, my heart screams.
My hand reaches up, my soul wanting to see
the sweet face of my baby, the glimmer of the tree.
Presents piled high-touching the limbs.
Pictures of lots of kids, lots of different trees.
The tears I knew would come, fall down my cheek,
In a quiet house, my oldest  ones all grown,
Families of their own, their houses now with those
glimmering trees, those piles of presents.
And my baby, the baby from those days, gone.
I visit his grave, decorate it like a table in the den.
I cry there, with his younger brother with me.
Not even born when those pictures were made.
I made the cookies, wrapped a few gifts, got cards.
I went on the church outing, held my tears, my breath.
Christmas, it was so wonderful, hope, peace, love.
I knew better than to believe it would last for me.
I need to get a new album, this one is falling apart.
Like my life did. Tears fall as I replace it on the shelf.

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18 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    I have no words for you my friend except that my heart breaks with yours. It isn’t fair that our children were taken so quickly from us, but God’s love gives us the strength to put on foot in front of the other most days and we will continue to do so until we can step through heavens gate and have our children reaching out to take our hand. Love you ~~Len

    • 2

      beebeesworld said,

      Len, I’m glad “God’s Love” does that for you-nothing does it for me-I feel cheated, lied to, dissed, unimportant. I get sick of the act I have to put on and do a lousy job of it at times..sometimes I pull it off. I’ve lost several cousins this fall and they seem to hold up. as you do and cling to some hope that I just don’t see. Fear kept me believing that If I did what God said, he’d be with me-but it didn’t work. The best part of the hellidays for me is taking down all theses reminders of what I once treasured, loved. was so thankful for, and that were so wrongly stolen from my son and from me. beebeesworld

      ________________________________

  2. 3

    Sandra Bennett said,

    Hope in Spring’s renewal is my Christmas wish for you. Love you.

  3. 4

    Judy said,

    Beebee, you are such a good writer. I love the way you express yourself and I am very sorry for the ache you suffer with. You are absolutely right to say how you feel. Your treasured son was stolen from you. Keep writing because many bereaved parents feel the same way you do and appreciate how well you have put those feelings into words. Most people really don’t know what to say because they cannot imagine the agony. I remember it well. Hang in there.

  4. 5

    Just having a quiet day alone at home. Nothing to celebrate. I, too, feel robbed and cheated (but even more – my son was robbed). Very difficult time of year for bereaved parents.

  5. 6

    simon7bankss said,

    Beebeesworld, I know this is incredibly sensitive and I fear saying the wrong thing, but I can’t turn my back and say nothing. It’s good that you can express this hurt, and I’ve suffered nothing like that. But no-one ever claimed God’s love protects people from pain and loss any more than human love can. They can, though, help recovery. If you are feeling robbed, it seems to me you are assuming a deliberate act of robbery. Did your son not live well, and is that not worth remembering?

    • 7

      Judy said,

      Hi Simon,
      I am replying as a bereaved parent on behalf of Beebee. Would you tell someone who has lost their arms or legs to be grateful for the time they once had them? I’m sorry, but you are able-bodied and it is arrogant of you to tell someone to feel better for the memories of “living well” when they are bleeding. As you stated, you certainly have not walked in her shoes and cannot begin to imagine her loss.
      If you are speaking as someone religious, let me say that god is best served by showing compassion when someone is suffering. By being arrogant, you are portraying your religion in a poor light and you actually drive her further away from god. Besides, belief in god is a very personal subject and she is allowed to carry whatever beliefs she chooses.
      You could serve god best by extending compassion and understanding. Simply turn your back and say nothing, rather than say empty words that further hurt someone who is suffering. Beebee has been clear about how she feels. You are so fortunate not to have endured this kind of loss. Even if you had, it doesn’t inspire or help anyone when you lecture about believing in god.

      • 8

        beebeesworld said,

        Judy, you are incredibly kind-it brings tears to my eyes when I see you defend me. I am glad to hear anyones’ comments or opinions-it means they took time to read an respond, sometimes, it just hurts so bad, even among those close to me for them to be so clueless…

        now I am having a problem I had last fall-NOTHING I try to publish on wordpress will publish, the “publishing” button just goes round and round and never stops-nevr publishes-ive tried 20 times on 20 different “new post” buttons tonight. Last time, I finally started using the “new post” place on the “reader ” page and it workded a while, then it got to where I could partly publish something on the regular “new post ” button at the top of every
        post I read, and rush back and edit it with the things I left out, tutle. tags etc.Now it will do nothing again and wordpress does not seem to have a way to get through to them to get real help-especially from someone who is not technically savvy.All I need is more stress, the blogs and the replies really help me-is anyone out thee able to help me with this problem? Thanks
        again, Judy and .Simon I appreciate your opinions as
        well.beebee

  6. 9

    May this yuletide season be kind and restful for you. Cheers… :)

  7. 12

    jane tims said,

    Hi. I admire your honesty. I found this Christmas to be quite sad for me. I think about my Mom and wish I could remember more about the times we were together. Jane

  8. 13

    beebeesworld said,

    I used to write in a journal only once in a while. but always on Christmas night or the nest day-I have to make myself do that today. My dad wrote 4 books about his life, I have written journals poems, blogs, mom didnt like me to write her stories, though she told me a few, I feel sometimes like I didnt really know her-she’s been gone almost 2 years ans I lost my 15 year old son in Oct 06 as you probably know since you read my blog a lot (which I appreciate). I have read some peoples happy holiday blogs and wished so much I could go back and just inhale the joy of those past days. I got out some old pictures-some of my kids looked at them with me-. Even though there were 17 of us here (one a 13 day old grand baby) and 18+ others at my aunts drop in, there was a pallor of longing among some of us who have more feelings than others, Im glad its over.

  9. 14

    Marcy said,

    This is so beautiful, so painful and beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss.

  10. 16

    Your words are so deep, powerful, intimate, raw, painful, and incredibly beautifully written and I love reading your words, through my heart ache for what you’ve lived through. Sending you good thoughts. Paulette

    • 17

      beebeesworld said,

      Thank you, Paulette, it has been a miserable weekend-I get so tired of pain, grief, hurt, sometimes my words can get out and at others they are too deep to find. I love reading your blog.

      • 18

        I hear you. Loss is a tough one and you’ve experienced the worst imaginable, the unthinkable, loss. It’s really hard, really hard. Thank you, from my heart, for you kind words about reading my blog. I rarely write anything on it and mainly have it as a place people can learn about the book, in the name of forwarding tolerance and because profits are going to animal rescue (dogs and cats). My passion and hope to help ease another sector of suffering in this world. Have you ever given any thought to writing yours as a story? You write so beautifully, from such a deep organic place that others are sure to feel and resonate with. If you feel that the blog writing helps in any way then maybe extending into an actual chapter by chapter book can help you? Forgive me if I’m overstepping with my suggestion. Sending you love and cyber hugs, Paulette


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