Carnival


It was the first time our dad had let her drive at night. The excitement was electric! It was the 70’in the small town south. To dad, our choices were limited.  Wrong! We had heard that a fair coming to town down by the river!

The forbidden group of carnies, the rigged games, cotton candy and most of all just being seen there, alone without parents. We would be the talk of the school!

Then it was 10:00 and the fair was closing. She turned the car’s ignition. Nothing. Again. Nothing. We looked around to see the grins of a group of boys we wouldn’t be caught dead with-or would we?

25 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    janet said,

    I like the sense of time and your twist at the end. Hope they make it home!! (You might want to get that errant period out of “To dad., our”.)

    • 2

      beebeesworld said,

      thanks-will do- I have to publish the edit or my blog wont prinyt-it leads to errors, but I havent been able to stop the problem with publishing any other way> beebee

      ________________________________

  2. 3

    Nice coming of age story. I think almost anyone who’s snuck off to the fair could relate. Nice story! The link to my story is messed up. My story is here: http://bridgesareforburning. wordpess.com Ron

  3. 5

    Sandra Bennett said,

    Love the excitement and smells of a carnival at night….the feel of wood chips underfoot….But I cringe with ear-pounding fear when an engine has let me down…or the weighing of last resort options, and the dilemma of the unknown. Great scenario. Thanks for churning memories & stimulating senses.

  4. 8

    brudberg said,

    Very much like the twist in the last line…

  5. 9

    Lucid Gypsy said,

    My worst nightmare, back then, when it was my daughters turn, and still now!

  6. 10

    Sandra said,

    Terrific last line! Good one.

  7. 11

    A stage well set…right down to the last line!!!

  8. 12

    vb holmes said,

    Good suspense from beginning to end.

  9. 13

    Debra Kristi said,

    Nicely done. Brings back memories. I’ve been there. It’s not so pretty when you finally have to come clean and retrieve the car. LOL. I don’t look forward to when I go through this with my kids. Sigh.

  10. 15

    Parul said,

    This is a very nice piece! You captured the emotions and the feel of the time very well.
    Good work!

  11. 16

    billgncs said,

    Oh no!!! The lost boys!

    good one!

  12. 17

    rich said,

    i can’t help occasionally reading and editing down to make room for more words – assuming you stick to the 100. for example –

    It was the first time our dad had let her drive at night. The excitement was electric! It was the 70’in the small town south. To dad, our choices were limited. Wrong! We had heard that a fair coming to town down by the river!

    The first time dad let her drive at night, it was electric excitement. Small, southern town in the 70’s. To dad, our choices were limited. Wrong! A fair was coming to town, down by the river.

    cut from 46 to 36. sorry, but it’s fun for me. i like the question mark at the end. it could mean they could actually be “caught dead,” as in dead. or it could mean they like the idea of meeting some bad boys.

  13. 18

    rich said,

    oh, what i should have added was that when you use the past perfect tense, it forces helping verbs, like had. just keep it past and you’ll save words. there.

    • 19

      beebeesworld said,

      Im glad I read your re-do-I admit I try to keep it to 100 words-but sometimes fail-I thought I did this time-I hate that word counting. It seems that sometimes, i feel like I cut out words I really need to make the story work and then sometimes, I find the challenge of cutting down works and is helpful in getting rid of words that don’t really add to a story.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

  14. 21

    dmmacilroy said,

    Love the sinister double meaning at the conclusion of this piece. The world spins on jeweled bearings. i wonder where they will end up this night.

    Aloha,

    Doug

  15. 23

    Lora said,

    Hm…those naughty boys again. Wonder how she’s going to get home… and If she has a curfew, she’s in BIG trouble with dad. This reminds me of my youth and the annual Sept. 3-County Fair…us kids sneaking in by crawling under a section of the wire fence, which the local, naughty boys cut with wire clippers. Thanks for the memories.

  16. 24

    tedstrutz said,

    Ooh… I now something bad was going to happen from the first line… but, what degree of bad. This is one of those stories that gets my mind going.

  17. 25

    wmqcolby said,

    YIKES! Very good. Wonderful!


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