Till Nothing was Left

Image

This poem is not for my precious son, whose death
took everything from me that I hung on to, believed in.
It is for those who can’t  see that I am still here.
but I have been forced to live in a world where there
is not glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m so tired of it all, so tired of the lies.
The further I fall, the higher you rise.

It takes all I have, each moment I try,
I give and I give, till I think I will die.

I’m sorry that I was never enough,
My heart is long dead, the road’s been so rough.

All that I have, I have given to you.
And what have I left?  No joy and no you.

Just leave me here in my prison, my home,
Cause when you are here, I still feel alone.

Not a thing I’ve endured, suffered, survived.
Has helped you to notice,  that I’m still alive.

I still feel, I still hope, I still love, I still try.
Somehow through the darkness, I still survive.

Take just one heartbeat, one touch, one breath,
And remember I will love you till nothing is left.

49 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    billgncs said,

    did you have other children ?

    • 2

      beebeesworld said,

      I have five more-he was my fifth-we were very close-his little brother has given me a reason to live. I have 4 grands , expect another any day and one in spring. It may sound selfish, crazy, but look=sing my son and my health and so much more have made it hard to embrace aall the c=good, as I am so oftrn criticized,,,, beebee

      ________________________________

  2. 3

    Lucid Gypsy said,

    Very moving Beebee.

  3. 4

    Brenda it is so difficult and the journey never ends does it? This is a most difficult time for missing those that have gone on ahead and when you feel and are alone because your other children and husband doesn’t understand it makes it worse. I do wish you would pray I know how you feel about god and religion but I know He can take away all this torment for you as he has eased my heart and grief. I will continue to pray for you my friend. I love you Hugs ((((xx))))

    • 5

      beebeesworld said,

      if God did not have to be defended for the lack of actions or excuses like “God doesnt make promises”, things like this would not happen, Len, to you , or to me. U prayed my whole life-I felt like God pushed me down and spoke to me-many times, I felt he answered, not always exactly like I wished, but not with cruelty and destruction. I am working on a poem called Angry Prayers, thats the only kind I see to be able to say since my son, my life, my health, my hope, my closeness with my family and their understanding of me was taken. If it worked for you, Im glad, I have yet to figure out why people make excuses from God’s not being there for their loved ones and yet somehow feel “healed”..
      Im sure my family would “love” me more if I could do this-I can’t.

    • 6

      beebeesworld said,

      Len, I do try to pray and I always end up with, how could you? Why did you come to me twice and console me, reassure me and then drop my son and I as if we were nothing.? Most of my family is angry at me because I see them running to church because its what I TAUGHT them and now, there is the constant reminder that They make my life hell because I tried so hard to believe, obey, trust and my effort was repaid with the worst a mom can deal with-and i lost my health as well. Now I like with a family filled with people who cling to the same hope I did, and they make excuses form God. It is just so hard. They are taught that we have to die for God to “reward us”-please why, then, are we here? I guess this is hell. It certainly is to me.

      ________________________________

  4. 7

    mysocalledDutchlife said,

    Beebee, my heart goes out to you. Sad, powerful and emotional poem.

  5. 8

    Sandra Bennett said,

    Yes.

  6. 9

    I don’ know how to say it, but this poem is wonderful, moving, deep and dark…I wish I could write such a one. I’m impressed! THAT is a poem!

    • 10

      beebeesworld said,

      ah, Der Silbenschmied, you pet my ego. I wsrote this after an angry conversation with one of my kids-I let him read it , I hope the reast dont-they just dont get it. I sill write more on email. I read your wolf poem…Ihr Freund brenda

  7. 11

    This is full of so much sorrow. The ending is just beautiful. Hugs…I know that kind of pain never fully goes away.

  8. 12

    free penny press said,

    Brenda.. my heart aches for the pain you carry.. One of my readers is a wonderful woman, Marianne.. she is a grief counselor.. here is her link..She is a kind, loving spirit who may be able to ease your load. I will lift you up in love and light my sister..
    lynne

    • 13

      beebeesworld said,

      please save the grief counselor for someone who thinks anything will bring my son, my life, my health, my family’s understanding back to me. Thank you, though, for reading and caring.

      • 14

        free penny press said,

        I’m sorry.. I never meant to intrude.

      • 15

        beebeesworld said,

        I do not think badly of you at all, I guess I have just heard this so many times and found it to be of no help. You are always welcome to say what is on your heart. That is what makes this blog so nice. beebee

  9. 16

    Your very heart is in your words…tormented, fragile ,yet there is so much strength within. How others could not understand the fact that you are internally in anguish is mystifying. Those surrounding you should be ones that support you on your journey of healing. My heart goes out to you that you have to not only carry this daily but that there is not more kindness around you.

    • 17

      beebeesworld said,

      Thank you. I think that THEY THINK they have tried, but there has been so much hurt, criticism, they wonder why I cannot get past my anger, but can’t see that they are part of the reason. beebee

  10. 18

    yerpirate said,

    I read it. raw. truth. right. right to write it, yes.

  11. 20

    Dear Brenda, how I understand you and grieve for you too. I’m sorry i haven’t been around as I’ve had health issues that are on the way of healing now. I wish I’d take you in my arms to console you as there is no greater pain than yours. Your anger is justified and it’s ok to say it. You can talk to your other children too even if you hurt them at first, at least, you have to share what you feel with them ! The hardest thing is to keep it to yourself, so go on and tell the world how it hurts, you need some kind of release… I care for you and i hope you know that there is a light that never goes out . Love and hugs,
    Antoine

    • 21

      beebeesworld said,

      What a kind comment, Antione. I hope your health improves rapidly. As you can see, It has been 6 years. There is no peace, no healing from finding out that what I survived on, believed, was not true. I thank you for your kindness and compassion. beebee

      • 22

        Antoine said,

        You’re welcome beebee, I really feel bad for you, and I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. I hope your children will love you as you deserve it . I think I know how broken or lost faith feels like. I am still trying to believe things will get better in time, still trying to see the signs to pave my way. And sometimes I can’t and I fall again. It’s like a rollercoaster…At least, it’s alright to be angry and I think this anger may be like a motor sometimes to move on. Sometimes it is to me. And sometimes you need tenderness and understanding too. That’s natural. I hope you receive that too. I’m sending you love and hugs. Antoine

      • 23

        beebeesworld said,

        I cannot recall I I had read your comment before, but I am thankful for your kindness, Antione.

  12. 24

    I wanted to let you know that I’ve added your blog to the site that I created in memory of my 23 year old son who died unexpectedly 27 weeks ago. http://www.scoop.it/t/grief-and-loss The site is for bereaved parents and sibling.

    • 25

      beebeesworld said,

      What an honor. I will have you in my thoughts. I know the empty grief, the lonely pain you are existing in. I am with you there, you are not alone. beebee stay in touch-send me a link to your sons site, In case I loose this one beebee

    • 26

      Judy said,

      Thank you so much for sharing my blog. In your honor, I have written more about this. Feel free to write me more. I am glad to share whatever I have learned from my grief journey. So sorry that you are part of this sad bereavement club – your son’s death was a tragedy. Especially when death is unexpected, there are no words to describe your shock and anguish. Hang in there.

  13. 27

    Robyn Lee said,

    Can feel your pain beebee ~ there are no words — but know that your friends here care and hold your heart offering you support and love. Sending Love and hugs ~ R

  14. 31

    patricemj said,

    Reblogged this on The Heartbreak of Invention and commented:
    This poem reminds me of how hard it is to be lost on a sea of oceanic grief. Of feeling so separated from others in this world, due to terrible loss. You then try and be true to your own self, your own pain, only to have that truth put a wedge between you and those who remain there for you.

    I think the hardest part of knowing what you know is how transgressive such knowledge is. People don’t want to believe that life can be pulled out from beneath them. When they are around people who hold such knowledge they feel uncomfortable, though I don’t believe most of them realize they have transferred their discomfort onto the holder of that unwanted knowledge.

    I never understood why people treated me like I was the criminal, when it was just life being crazy and blind that brought on the tragedy. But because it was my tragedy, I was somehow the one charged for what life did to me.

    I wish someone would have told me early on not to bother with ever trying to be seen or understood by your average person every again. I wish they had said, your life will never be the same. I wish they had said you’re not crazy, you’ve just got intimate knowledge of untimely and unplanned death and because of this your reality is and will continue to be profoundly altered, and is in fact more in alignment with the natural world, rather than the unnatural one that man creates through “civilization”. I wish someone had told me my experience was “uncivilized”, a kind of threat to civility. I wish someone had told me it’s nobody’s fault, and I should trust myself. I wish someone had told me I could and would find comfort, but not from people who could not understand.

    Now I know, I cannot make anyone understand anything, I can only hope to run across those who have been exposed to life-altering reality, I can only hope to find those who when faced with such terrifying knowledge had whatever it took to keep their hearts and minds open. It seems to me you are trying to live through your grief, to stay alive. I think that’s a very good thing. By keeping your eyes open you are changing the world.

    • 32

      beebeesworld said,

      What a thoughtful and heartwarming letter. i am going to keep your letter to read again. Now I know that when I have that feeling that no one understands me or “gets how I feel” that someone actually does. Thank you so much. beebee

      • 33

        patricemj said,

        I am so happy and relieved you received what I wrote. When I saw you had responded I couldn’t even read it right away for fear my outrageous honesty might have in some way offended or hurt you. Everytime I reach out this way I fear my words will be misunderstood and their intent will somehow wind up injuring rather than soothing. In most instances, this fear keeps me from reaching across the great divide. It’s just too risky to share of oneself in hopes of reaching another. But ironically, exposing our own vulnerability is pretty much the only way to reach others.

        I wonder how many others keep their feelings to themselves for similar reasons? My bravery is only born from intimate knowledge of my own need.

      • 34

        beebeesworld said,

        I went thru a similar time today-trying not to be “pissy” as my teen describes my attitude, trying to not bring up subjects that may cause my daughter to have a panic attack-never knowing what that might be-determined to be like I used to before my world crashed-give up-put up-shut up-so everyone else would be happy and realized that no one really cared if i was. my goal today-make it thru the day without anger, hurtful words, making comments that no one wanted to hear (true or not)….all of that—I give myself a “C” which is pretty good for my first day of saying I had hit rock bottom, that no one even wanted to be around me because I was so sad, so negative, so hopeless…I did an ok job-sunday being my worst day anyway-cooking for 16 people, cleaning up, seeing everyone eatt and run-hating the “hellidays” like i do now-remembering how i used to love them, all the memories popping into my head as we went to my daughters, then shopping, back to her house and home with my teen and his friend.
        I appreciate honesty, you dont have to lie or agree with me, I love to know you can say what is on your heart and that I can do the same. Thanks for your answer, your understanding and all the rest. It is always welcome. best wishes, beebeesworld

  15. 35

    Judy said,

    Dear Beebee,

    First off, please let me know if it’s okay to share your poem and our exchanges on my blog. I think it would touch and help many other bereaved people.

    When I first read your poem on Twenty Lines, I knew little about your situation. I left a hasty comment not knowing how long it had been since your son died. But I felt I had to comment right away, because I was blown away by your poem and heartbreaking words.

    I have read more now on your personal blog.

    You responded to certain comments left by well-intentioned people and your words yielded great insight for me.

    I want to write to you about it.

    You mentioned you were very angry with your family. Their lack of understanding and support has certainly added to your anguish. It sounded like your family’s love was not unconditional – that you have their support if you followed their religious beliefs. I am very sorry about that.

    For myself, I am not religious, but definitely consider myself spiritual. I do believe religion is personal and would never tell another human how to pray. I only pray with my own heart.

    Therefore, when someone commented with a suggestion that implied finding god and another person mentioned an excellent grief counselor, I’m not surprised that those comments triggered your anger.

    You already know that their intentions were good and they only want to help you. Of course, they don’t even have a clue how to ease your anguish. When a person finds something that helps him or her, they wish to bestow it on someone else. I am that way with my music. It helps me and I love to share it.

    But in order to fill an aching abyss of a shattered heart, I believe people much search and search for something that is unique to them in order to fill their hole.

    I am not going to say that I know how you feel. I don’t believe that is possible for any human to know what intense grief feels like, even those who have lost a child.

    I can say that I’ve been in your position. My anger over the loss of my child was impossible for me to contain for years and years. I couldn’t handle anyone telling me how time would heal. I was livid because the torture of grief had wrecked my life and I was certain my torment would last until my last breath. That belief isolated me further.

    I had more children after my loss, which helped to ease the ache. When people implied that it was a “replacement” for my dead child it made me furious.

    Healing is a word I use often for myself. It implies a wound and I consider my wound from my son’s death to be an amputation of my soul. Grief is not something I recovered from – I had to adjust to it. Those scars left me ripped and then numb for eighteen years.

    I did not believe I would ever feel joy again in my life.

    Now I want to address your poem and what I saw in your words.

    Your title is “Till Nothing Was Left” is telling. Obviously, without a shred of doubt you loved your son so deeply. You would have died for him if you could have. You wish you were dead sometimes so you could be with him. You are dying inside every single day because of your grief.

    Your poem is you are speaking to your son. With your last breath, you want him to know how much you loved him and how that will continue until the day you die.

    But love is not what your poem is really about.

    If you die tomorrow, here would be what was left with your son’s death:

    ache and emptiness
    anger and fury
    isolation and loneliness
    torment and torture

    I could go on and on finding words. I’ve used as many as I could find in a dictionary to describe the amputation of my soul. Since you wrote that you have hope, I am going to speak to you with honesty and risk your becoming angry.

    If your son could speak to you right now, I imagine he would want you to heal. Healing left me with only one thing.

    It was love.

    Sometimes my scars do throb and I have the memory of pain.

    But love fills my ache, emptiness and the isolation. Love soothes my anger and fury about my fate.

    When I remember love, it lifts me up.

    My love for my son is pure and far preferable to the wreckage I had before.

    My son also loved me. He would want me to remember that. I remind myself of his love for me every time I take a breath.

    With my last breath, what will be left is love.

    Love can transcend everything and anything.

    It has allowed me to help other grieving people. It heals and it lives on beyond physical death. Now my son never has left. I feel him every moment of my life.

    This is the legacy that I have left after the loss of my child.

    • 36

      beebeesworld said,

      Judy, your letter was so kind and thoughtful, so many of the things you said, I have found to be true for myself. One thing that was hard on me with the religion is that it was i, in my “feeling that God was demaNDING THAT I talk my kids to church, do what He asked, and that he would stand with me, had plans for me,would keep my kids safe and me strong for this “job” we were to do and then it all fell apart.

      I saw them getting more religious as I felt like I could not trust God to keep his word . I can’t even pray without them ending up angry prayers.

      Time changes feelings, but the scars remain. Thank you for taking time to express you thoughts and sharing your story.It helps to know others who have suffered the ultimate loss. I hope to communicate with you more. I am backed up a bit now, and have a n injured finger that is throbbing… Please stay in touch and I am so greatful fro your time and caring. beebee

      • 37

        Judy said,

        I completely understand about religion – I wrote my song “Hang On” with these lyrics:
        It feels so dark; the sky is gray
        nothing to live for, you cannot pray
        You have no hope; is this the end?
        Just take my hand; I’ll be your friend
        I’ve been there, too, I must explain
        because I’ve suffered I feel your pain
        You don’t know how you will survive
        you even wonder why you’re alive

        I could not pray for 18 years and still find the concept difficult. For me, prayer led to disappointment. Perhaps the ultimate disappointment with god is because of grief. I know there are miracles and as they happened in my life, my anger has softened. Anger is understandable, but it poisoned my heart. Hang in there, beebee!

    • 38

      I like what you write, but I would also like to know how to get from feeling ache and emptiness, anger and fury, isolation and loneliness and torment and torture to feeling love. I feel love all the time, but with my son gone – there is no place for all that love to go. I also want to feel his love for me, not just mine for him. I need him back. I don’t know how to transform all of this to something less raw and painful.

      • 39

        Hi!

        I can not answer a single question. The dark hole is there and what there is behind it, is just theory. I don’t know how I get through to so much things I had to suffer, but I think I can call it „concentration“ I once was down on my knees very often (a stupid believer!) but one thing worked: I focused all my hate and all my forsakenness to „a point“. What I wish. What I thought. What I felt what was the truth! What I thought of justice. And I did it on and on and on. With all my might. I was hurt so much, in fear to go to hell, in despair, deserted – full of hate!

        To me, it helped me to leave Jesus and his bunch of stupids – today I dance my legs down to my knees.

        Serious: Help comes, somehow. Slowly. You will never know from which direction. There is no plan, there is no guilt I don’t know if I am allowed to write more, but the life on earth is nothing – a bad joke – after the few years we run around here on this planet comes a new life. A better one…all that I believed in is lost, but this idea has survived!

        One day it is the sunlight, another day a memory, a smell or a tune that will release your heart. Another day it is a tune, a smell or a memory that will wrench your heart again, but there are more people on this planet that could handle and understand suffering, than people that are able to ignore pain or needs. That is my experience.

        Frank

    • 40

      Hello Judy

      I’ve read your comment here. My english is not too good, but I always try to understand BeeBee and the readers of this Blog, thru reading anything twice or more. If time let me do it. I have to say I found nothing more interesting for me on the „Blog-scene“ than BeeBees World. Because of the stories, poems and articles or the comments left here. Yours was one of them.

      I really have a problem with „love“. Not only that I think I have forgotten what love is (not what I wish what it could be)…it scares me so much that I am really afraid of it! I mean it!

      I read two books about partnership (I am a man and I promise: That was hard!), some articles a.s.o. about it…some because I was curious, some for no reason.

      You say love is healing: whom and why? When will it happen? I think it is always a bit out of time – the lovething. I know that they send you to find „whatever“ to become a member of … hmm, another question … of what? Let us say to become a member of a kind of a loving society that is free and tentative?

      Love is a business in which anybody wants to check out what he is worth. Partnership is like a besieged fortress: The captured want to break free. The „outsiders“ want to burgle in. Why is something anybody think so highly from, so positive and so much good about, why is it so hurting? So cold and dirty?

      I was in a scuffle once and lost a tooth – because of hate! That was not as much hurting (and only once!) what love did to me.

      I say: We love peace? That was not much successful. What would happen if we would hate war? We love truth? What a laugh! What would happen if we would hate lies? We love justice? How can we live our daily life then? What would happen, if we hate injustice?

      May be I am stupid, perhaps I do malfunctions in my brain or heart. I have just questions. I don’t know what I would think, if somebody would comment such love weariness to me. I think I would think: why do you bother me? And answer: Piss off!

      Surprise me! Please don’t tell me that love will find it’s way. I am not sexy, so love will walk an extra mile just to get out of my trails! Think of a bit more original stuff to answer.

      Frank

      • 41

        Judy said,

        Hi Frank,
        I welcome your response. Perhaps love doesn’t sound original. It is an emotional response that I wrote to Beebee, because her poem was one that indicated total despair. It was because I have also experienced the death of a child that I wrote what I did from my own personal experience. My remark was about feeling love on two levels: 1. self-love to continue living, and feeling love from what your dead loved one would have wanted for you, their legacy.
        To find a purpose after such a horrific loss is beyond imaginable. I wrote more about this topic on my own blog, and perhaps you might read that and then comment some more. I wrote more there because I didn’t want this to sound simplistic. I don’t see a “love bandage” that adequately stops an amputation of the soul, which I believe grief causes. Anger is definitely something I experienced and I believe is a necessary stage of grief. Many grieving people stay stuck in this stage. It has been six years for Beebee. I wanted her to try to move beyond her anger. She didn’t seem to realize that there was hopefulness for her to heal. I believe it gives hope knowing that another bereaved parent who suffered deeply could heal. I am that parent!
        There are many things that I did to help myself heal and I also share that with my message of hopefulness. Sorry if you find my answer unoriginal. I don’t write to be trendy, I write from my heart and holding onto love honestly was the way that I achieved peace. For people who are suffering, I wish they could find that also. I represent someone who never believed it was possible, and I truly feel that the love from and for my child inspired me to go on. Just because someone has died and is no longer physically there, doesn’t mean that you can’t project their love for you.
        The concept that I’m suggesting applies beyond bereavement, when you consider self-love brings a more complete human into a relationship. For me, I decided that my own happiness was not tied to other people anymore and I made significant changes to my life as a result!

      • 42

        @ Judy

        Thank you very much for your answer. As I said: I have to read it may be twice. But I feel that I can say that we see things a bit the same way. I learned some wisdom from a friend of mine. He said that you can decide by your self if you want to feel happy or sad. I didn’t believed it, but after a few years I found out about ”the medal“ You have both sides: At the SAME time.

        This is not very practical because our soul, heart and consciousness is to weak. In fact: We have to decide one of the sides. Consider the two sides at once will make us phlegmy and fatalistic.

        * I wish you would have answered some of my „love questions“, but never mind. Nobody can answer them.

  16. 43

    I can imagine no grief greater than the loss of a child. I am so sorry for anyone who has to go through this. Your poem reminds me of the isolation of grief and of the W.H. Auden poem “Funeral Blues”. I know that the pain will never go away, but I hope that eventually you find the balance between life and mourning that will let you see joy again.

  17. 45

    “Somehow through the darkness, I still survive.” –🙂 i love how you put it. and what you said in the end, “I will love you till nothing is left.”

    i am sorry for your loss, ms. beebeesworld… i hope he can hear your message – it is sincere and splendid…🙂 keep on and keep well… ~San


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