When I Let You In

Image

My precious son, I do it nearly every day.  People as me why I put myself through it-looking at your handsome young face only weeks before you were so wrongly taken.
I have thought about it many times, Andrew.  It rips my heart into. It reminds me of the failure of what I felt was a holy vow.  I think of you there in the chair in your room, shouting out, “Mamma, I love ya, Mame!” time after time.

I hear your little brother crying because you got the red ball when it hit the goal and your dad shouted at you and you loudly complain, “It’s always me!”

Yes, it is.” His voice reverberates through me. I hear your father’s remark, (hating it). “No, it isn’t,” my heart screams.

It got so old, that tired comment, The one he yelled  to every one of you when a younger sibling complained.

So why do I have your picture as my home screen on the computer, smiling at me, unknowing, hopeful, happy, healthy. It’s so simple, really. I touch your hair, brush it with my fingers, trace the line of your eye brows, circle the shape of your eyes, just like mine.  I remember the tiny chicken pox scar on the top of your nose, see the way your top lip is shaped in a perfect bow-the bottom lip full and sensuous.

I use my finger as a magical pen and draw your shirt collar, the tendons in your neck, the shape of your chin that made your face so perfect. I gently track the outline of your ear, as I often did when I played with your hair. I rub the soft pink of your cheeks, see the tiny “out of line” placing of your teeth that no one but me would notice.
I hear your father’s remark, (hating it).
And for just a moment, one soft breath, you are here where you belong and I am alive and life is worth living. It is all I have. The pain is worth it.

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36 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Judy said,

    I am crying. That is so beautiful, Brenda.

  2. 3

    How moving and how beautiful ! You’re right beebee, your love lives on forever. I wish you all the best for 2013. Cheers,
    Antoine

  3. 5

    boomiebol said,

    Breaks my heart…sending love and hugs

  4. 7

    I think it’s lovely, and understandable, he’s your home screen…

  5. 9

    Sandra Bennett said,

    Nice way to remember him and keep him near you at all times…And I know he is with you…

  6. 11

    My thoughts and prayers are with you Brenda… nothing else I can say as i am spiraling in grief right now too.

  7. 13

    I stumbled upon your blog this morning through Write on Edge – as a mother of two, this took my breath away. I don’t know your story, or the evolution of your family’s life, but it is clear that tragedy has struck your home and heart. My thoughts and prayers are with you, dear one.

    • 14

      beebeesworld said,

      I am glad you read my blog-please look at my work on beebeesworld and it will tell my story. I invite you to follow my blog and will look yours up and follow well. Thanks for caring. beebeesworld

  8. 15

    Brenda this had me in tears but you knew it would, as we have been together here on a WP journey, with our friends. You keep him in the open as I know now damage can be done from hiding away a baby we no longer have, we are survivors and maybe we are here to share LOVE love of what we have as well as what we lost, as clearly we are strong for we are both here.

    LOVE and HUGS Brenda
    Eunice

    • 16

      beebeesworld said,

      Thank you Eunice. My heart and soul are with him always-he did not need to die-if he had had help in time he would be herethe person who called 911 did not stay on the line-there was a fire station within sight of the ball field-they could have walked there-they never got the call-an ambulance was sent from town,it sickens me.

      • 17

        Yes you are his Mom and you would have done ANYTHING to get him help in time. We are supposed to forgive ignorant and stupid people but when it comes to your baby you can’t. I understand your heartache wishing you could go back and make it never happen Hugs to you Brenda I know the others in your family miss him but you were his Mommy.

  9. 18

    Brenda, I am so sorry. I have tears in my eyes reading this beautiful and moving words. Only a real mother can love so. May God be with you. 🙂

  10. 20

    cait said,

    So sad, but beautifully written.

    • 21

      beebeesworld said,

      Sometimes, I just allow myself to say what I feel all the time.

      • 22

        cafecasey said,

        I think that saying what you feel is so important–think of all the people who never once say what they feel. It is a gift. You should write more–like a book. It would be helpful to people–I wonder if it would be helpful to you…You say such perfect things.

      • 23

        Judy said,

        See Brenda, someone else agrees with me. We need more honesty in this world. A good writer gives a voice for many people who cannot express their feelings. Grief is a horror that slaughters one’s existence. There is no shame to express what is true for you. Anyone who has lost a child, will easily relate. You are not alone. Although with grief, it often feels like a prison for life. I gave up, until one day I was given a key so I could be free. It was my music and writing that helped me. So you keep writing!

      • 24

        cafecasey said,

        Music is so beautiful, too. I respect what you do–in writing the truth. There are so many things in that circle close to our soul–I have written them, but I do not post them here. It takes such a special kind of courage to do that, and that is why you have my deepest respects, Brenda. Judy–I am going to read you blog now:)

        Would love to talk more about this–dcaseyrowe@gmail.com. I think you should have a bigger writing project if your heart can do it:)

  11. 25

    jane tims said,

    Hi. I am so sorry for you, but what a handsome boy. He has a good-hearted frank smile. He was lucky to have a Mom like you. Jane

    • 26

      beebeesworld said,

      Everyone loved him, strong,healthy-he got a virus in his heart-he had no symptoms. read my blog on “Parent Heart Watch:. He should not have died. If the fire dept up the hill had gotten the call, they would have gotten to him in time. If I knew what I knew soon after, I would have realized he was in heart failure and been doing heart compressions. The guilt, pain, sorrow is a part of me forever.

      • 27

        Judy said,

        Beebee, He should not have died. I am so sorry. How can you move beyond this anguish knowing that your son could have been saved? I cannot imagine. My son died from his heart defect. I burdened myself for a long time with the blame for doing something during my pregnancy that might have caused his abnormality. As a mom, we take it all on. So often, I’ve heard that a child that dies by suicide is “the worst.” I can only imagine what a mother goes through with that. I have a friend whose son jumped from a balcony – and waited to do that until she was there to watch. So many horrors in this world! But the end result is that they are gone. Gone forever and only the memories are left. I wish you comfort with memories of that beautiful boy smiling at you. He was radiant and completely beautiful.

      • 28

        I understand your pain. My son would have lived if the person with him had called 911. She ignored his symptoms instead. The anger I feel compounds the pain and sorrow that are always my companions.
        I’m sorry for the unnecessary loss of your handsome son.

      • 29

        Tell your son you love him everyday. He needs it. Take care. With love,
        Antoine

  12. 30

    Beautiful and heart felt words. My thoughts and prayers are with you. ♥

  13. 33

    Angela said,

    This is such a beautiful tribute to your boy. Of course he is your home screen, and I loved each little detail you explained (as well as your irritation with his dad’s comment). I kept scrolling up as I read to match the loving details and see his smile again. This is lovely, truly. I am so sorry for your pain.

  14. 34

    It’s never wrong, weird or worrisome to cling to the thoughts and memories of our lost loved ones. As long as we find ways to continue to live in the present as well, we are all the richer for having known and treasured, and for living gracefully in the light shed by, those dear souls who have gone before us. xoxo

  15. 35

    Cameron said,

    You’ve written a beautiful tribute to your beautiful boy. I am so very sorry for your loss, and so touched you chose to share such a precious part of your heart with our community.

  16. 36

    My tears, thoughts and prayers are with you, Brenda. What a lovely tribute to your wonderful son. ❤ Bette


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