Winter Alone

IMG_0050-crop

I listen to a cold wind blowing-

ice crystals like music,

ring against my windows.

The quiet disturbs me,

even as I read a well loved book,

sip hot tea, remember…

Winter-with its chill enveloping me,

with the whistling of the wind,

seems so much colder without you.

I remember days, when we cuddled

the warmth of our bodies dispelled the cold.

The wind and ice was almost comforting.

It made me realize that I was warm,

in spite of the cold, the blowing wind,

ice crystals decorating the trees outside.

I wonder where those days have gone?

You are in one room, me in another.

We barely speak. This is not love.

We look around and see nothing better,

nothing more enticing than simply home,

a familiar place, warm under electric blankets.

Over thirty years and what are we?

A couple-maybe from the eyes of others.

We are just two people in one house.

I cannot even imagine it being any better,

for us to cuddle, to whisper sweet words.

So this is how it ends? Together, alone.

Could I love again? Could you?

Would we even want to take the chance?

Or would we rather just lay safely?

Knowing how love hurts, how loss hurts

and not being willing to a the risk?

Dreaming of “what if?” but never finding out.

listen to a cold wind blowing-

ice crystals like music,

Winter Alone

I listen to a cold wind blowing-

ice crystals like music,

ring against my windows.

The quiet disturbs me,

even as I read a well loved book,

sip hot tea, remember…

Winter-with its chill enveloping me,

with the whistling of the wind,

seems so much colder without you.

I remember days, when we cuddled

the warmth of our bodies dispelled the cold.

The wind and ice was almost comforting.

It made me realize that I was warm,

in spite of the cold, the blowing wind,

ice crystals decorating the trees outside.

I wonder where those days have gone?

You are in one room, me in another.

We barely speak. This is not love.

We look around and see nothing better,

nothing more enticing than simply home,

a familiar place, warm under electric blankets.

Over thirty years and what are we?

A couple-maybe from the eyes of others.

We are just two people in one house.

I cannot even imagine it being any better,

for us to cuddle, to whisper sweet words.

So this is how it ends? Together, alone.

Could I love again? Could you?

Would we even want to take the chance?

Or would we rather just lay safely?

Knowing how love hurts, how loss hurts

and not being willing to a the risk?

Dreaming of “what if?” but never finding out.

ring against my windows.

Warmth from the roaring flames

growing lower, the crackling quieter now.

just embers, flashing from the fireplace.

The quiet comforts me,IMG_0050-crop

Winter Alone

I listen to a cold wind blowing-

ice crystals like music,

ring against my windows.

The quiet disturbs me,

even as I read a well loved book,

sip hot tea, remember…

Winter-with its chill enveloping me,

with the whistling of the wind,

seems so much colder without you.

I remember days, when we cuddled

the warmth of our bodies dispelled the cold.

The wind and ice was almost comforting.

It made me realize that I was warm,

in spite of the cold, the blowing wind,

ice crystals decorating the trees outside.

I wonder where those days have gone?

You are in one room, me in another.

We barely speak. This is not love.

We look around and see nothing better,

nothing more enticing than simply home,

a familiar place, warm under electric blankets.

Over thirty years and what are we?

A couple-maybe from the eyes of others.

We are just two people in one house.

I cannot even imagine it being any better,

for us to cuddle, to whisper sweet words.

So this is how it ends? Together, alone.

Could I love again? Could you?

Would we even want to take the chance?

Or would we rather just lay safely?

Knowing how love hurts, how loss hurts

and not being willing to a the risk?

Dreaming of “what if?” but never finding out.

Love is an ember now, but Ice is still cold.

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7 Responses so far »

  1. 3

    Judy said,

    This is so powerful. I understand, Brenda. One day, I felt so alone with him after thirty years. I couldn’t live that way anymore and preferred to be alone without facing the black hole of “together.” I am sorry. Memories can sustain, but are also so sad when they are reminders of what are gone.

  2. 4

    This is powerful emotions, Brenda and sad. I teared up reading this. It shouldn’t end like this. I’m so sorry. Hope you find the right way. 🙂

    • 5

      beebeesworld said,

      Thanks for reading my blog and your comment, “readingpleasure”. It isn’t really “over”, it just didn’t turrn out the way I hoped-most of it, I think was his inability to handle his hurt over the sudden and unnecessay loss of our son. My reaction was to get a pituitary tumor called Cushings Disease, because of the stress. I had brain surgery, after a year and a half of doctors telling me my obvious and severe symptoms were “just stress” (stress is not a ‘just’) Men have a hard time expressing their feelings, I think I became his way of doing that-I became the victim of sorts. So many things were going on with my other kids, marriages, college, children being born, that even though they tried, they were living their lives, as they had every right to do. My younger chid has been “my rock”. He has always been there for me, loving and supporting me. His maturity is much beyond his years. When he goes to college, it will be a great test in what life is like now. I can’t imagine things getting better. Thanks for caring, Im not sure why I loaded you down with this….beebee

      • 6

        Oh Brenda you are not loading me down with this. I can’t pretend to know what you are going through because I haven’t lost a son. But this I can tell you, I can understand how hard it is for you or your husband to come to terms with his loss. All I can say is that time and faith in God is what will make you and your husband heal. I pray the peace of God that passes all understanding be with you and your hubby.

        I am glad to know that your other kids are doing well and thank God for their lives and in particular your younger child. God will give you the grace to cope with his absence. 🙂

        Keep reaching out to your hubby. He needs you more than he thinks. 🙂

      • 7

        Judy said,

        In response to the last message, I want to say that for those people who have not experienced the loss of a child – you are pretending to understand when you make a comment about God. That is a very personal belief and because you haven’t had your heart shredded it is shallow to extend wishes of faith. But until you’ve gone through something like this, it’s very shallow to expect someone else to find God to heal. As far as the blessing of another son, it can never replace the loss of Andrew. I certainly know the feelings expressed are loving – but it’s not really helpful when someone who doesn’t understand says things that aren’t comforting. I believe it’s far better to express caring than tell someone else how to grieve (such as reach out to your husband or find God).


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