Death in the Cemetary

326Death in the Cemetary

Today, I went to the cemetary where my precious son and parents are buried. I am used to finding odd items there, as if they were leaving a message that they are with me. Black widow spiders are one of the most odd, but because I study insects and arachnids, I look for their webs and see them. I do not find them on any other graves, which makes the incidences more profound.

Today. I was at my son’s grave site and found turkey feathers scattered over a span of maybe 60 feet in a grassy area by the woods and in the graveyard. Already being there to talk about my most recent anguish, I was especially struck by finding the feathers scattered so near my son’s gave. I

We have a lot of wild turkeys in the mountains here, and finding them was no surprise. It was imagining the scenario of what happened that made them so profound. I could see the group of turkeys wandering down the grasses at the edge of the woods when suddenly a coyote appears, snatches one of them as it fights for its life. I see the others scattering into the forest, turkeys take care of number one, particularly adult turkeys. It was apparent by the number of feathers, the force of the wind, and the long trail of a variety of feathers, from downy white to the long, iridescent tail feathers waving in the wind that the turkey did not win and the battle had taken place only a short time ago.

What make this discovery so profound is the event that sent me there-that one of my children might move-a short distance, but from a home on my fathers property. It brought back the story of my life-full circle-that no mater how hard I try, how long I suffer, how much I work with a now disabled body, I will not see my dreams come true. Perhaps my children will, and we parents often give in to this pain at our own expense.

I know their reams are not mine. What hurts is that my dreams never seemed to matter. Even If I came near them, something came along to ruin to feeling we have when we meet a long sought goal. We work so hard to help them be able to fulfill their dreams, only to find that it isn’t good enough or simply that theirs are different and our efforts are pointless and often complicate any efforts we may want to make to help them reach their dreams.

I see the coyote and turkey as the heartbreak I continually encounter. One problem, disast, tragedy does not end before another is thrown at me. I wonder how much I can take. I wonder why I try. I wonder why sometimes members of my family that I have depended on since childhood seem blind to my needs and expectations.

I gathered the feathers and mixed them with the flowers on my sons grave, just as my feelings are often so mixed when it comes to what to do to make my life worth living without ruining my children’s chances for their dreams to come true, like mine were ruined.

I ask my sweet angel for guidance and help, wondering if he is allowed to provide me with it from heaven. I ask my parents why they left things undone that wiped out my efforts to help my children,

knowing that they had no idea when their health would fail or they would loose control of those little dreams we all have that don’t work out like we had planned.

It is ironic that this violent death by my son’s grave happened when I felt so much like my own dreams had died. Please, my angel, find a way to help me-tell me what to do.


11 Responses so far »

  1. 3

    Perhaps simply try to be in and with angels’ peace. There may not be answers or guidance but they always blanket in peace.

    • 4

      beebeesworld said,

      I guess my blanket isnt warm enough. Ironically, I crochet afgans. Rightafter loosing my son, I crocheted until my hand about fell off. I am almost thru with afgan #3 for 8 grandkids….It seems sohard to do, and when I find out they dont even know where theyare, it seems pointless. Maybe, thy will find them in the closet when they are older becaue I made teh “adult” sized”.

  2. 5

    I feel your sadness. It is indeed uneasy to live day by day and be reminded of the things we sought for but just don’t have the time to fight for it anymore. I do have struggles I think of every now and then, even if it sounds foolish, I only console myself of the things I am proud of. I also just think of the things I have achieved in life, even the small ones.

    • 6

      beebeesworld said,

      I have tried so many things to “concentrate on the small moments of joy” as my daughters say and they are nice but dont make up forthe rest. One thing is not solved before others appear. At college, on the elevator, someone wrote,”lifesucks and then you diie,” how prophetic….

  3. 7

    Judy said,

    I love the meaning you found in those feathers. Nature is so cruel and carnivores must kill to eat. Whether tragedy is planned or random, I wish your broken heart could find some peace. Your beautiful son died so unnecessarily and I cannot imagine what that must feel like. I see healing because I remember losing so much faith that I didn’t believe in angels. But now I do. May your sweet angel give you continued signs of love and send you some peace.

    • 8

      beebeesworld said,

      Don’t get too excited about me beleiving in angels-I guess you gotta beleive in something but all the angels in heaven can bring back our sons…..Sometimes I go down a list of God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, grandparents, parens, my Andy and as if anyony up there cares at all about me to please hear me and help me becase I don’t feel it. Its like the dimes and black widows, the feathers blowing just made me think of how random everythimg is…love ya

  4. 9

    mommermom said,

    l felt the sadness in your in your story. I wanted to reach out and wrap my arms around you and tell you about God’s love….. but somehow I felt this really isn’t what you wanted to hear. I am certain many have offered you all kinds of so-called ‘advice’ but how could we really understand your pain not having lived in your shoes. Instead I just want to let you know that I read your story, felt your hurt, and I was moved by your words.

    • 10

      beebeesworld said,

      Thank you twice, mommermom: One for not throwing out the religious lectures. Iconsider myself a Christian but have been let down many times and do not believe that God interjects Himself in our daily troubles at all times. Second, thank you for reading and commenting on my blog. My son, it seems , often leaves me “signs” that he is with me, through nauture and such, which we studied together. I have written other blogs on thise topics. My cousin, Sandra, who wrote right above you in the comments section, quoted the “Desiterata” which was found hundred of years ago by monks speaks of my feelings as well. Go’ds love and enduring life are often very different things if we live in the real world and are honest with ourselves. My pain has beeb a life of disappointment. My child’s sudden, conpletely unnecessary death startd it on a down hill road that will never end. Writing about him, the times he welcomes me with some “gift” only we would understand is precious to me. You are very kind to share your thoughts. Thank you.

  5. 11

    Beebee~ I don’t know how to interpret the feathers, however I know you have been through so much…He is a poem that my father loved…written by Max Ehrmann in 1933…I have shared it with various friends, and it seems to help in some cases with whatever we are going through…Rather long…Hope you don’t mind…

    ~The Desiderata~

    Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
    and remember what peace there may be in silence
    As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

    Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
    even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
    Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.

    If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter,
    for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
    Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
    Keep interested in your own career, however humble,
    it’s a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

    Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
    But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
    many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
    Be yourself.

    Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;
    for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
    it is as perennial as the grass.

    Take kindly the counsel of the years,
    gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
    Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
    But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
    Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

    Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
    You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
    you have a right to be here.
    And whether or not it is clear to you,
    no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
    Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be.

    And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,
    keep peace in your soul.
    With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
    Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

    ~Max Ehrmann~ (written in 1933)

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