Once, I was volunteering at school.
my youngest son was in Peter Pan.
He didn’t like drama much-
I was working with kindergarden girls-
I was late getting home
and you were standing at the door-
smiling at me, in your ball uniform.
“Oh, you scared me!” I smiled.
I didn’t know it was the last time
I would ever open my door
and see you standing there, smiling
See you there at all…
For me, life ended that night,
I sat and watched you practice,
almost took your picture, but you
seemed so far away-I never imagined
how far away you would be
in a few hours. Again, I almost did it-
took a picture, but it was getting dark
I never imagined it would be my last chance.
You held your head, and ran to me,
collapsing ina slide as you fell to the ground.
I screamed “Call 911, Call 911!”
How can a parent call 911 and tell them to go
five miles away to some ball complex?
You killed my son-taking 12 minutes
to find their way there when a fire station
was right above us? Why, “nurse”,
did you not recognize heart failure, do CPR?
Why didn’t I pump your heart, even though
I didnt know anything but your breathing
was raspy and an ambulance came
and the nurse just stood there when I screamed,
Cant you do something?
Why didnt I realize no sirene
was coming from the fire station?
When finally an ambulance came in the back way,
they knew they were given the wrong directions.
“Bag him” an EMT screamed, as they pulled out
a stretcher-I ran to the front of the ambulance
and got in, I saw them rushing to send currents into you
because your heart had stopped, because 911
had gotten the wrong directions.
A chaplain leads me away, it will always be with me
slow motion hell that you were dying-
they were too late, because somebody screwed up.
A decade ago, a slow motion nightmare-
I wanted to die too-A lot of me did-forever,
I wanted all the people who begged you to play
to hurt like I did-to die like you did.
God forgive me, I have yet to change my mind.
I leaned on your little brother, till he grew up
and had to find his own life, you were
A vague memory, someone he should have had
to guide you,, teach you, love you,
And he has only flashes of memories,
looking in album,hearing us talk,
or maybe a sharp breath as he awakes
from his nightmare, again, and again…forever.
I see myself now as an empty soul,
robbed of my most beautiful memories,
because you didn’t want to disappoint friends.
Beni-hana, you will never know how much
it has meant that you did not beg him to play,
that you have listened to me, wrote songs for us,
that he is still alive to you as he is to me.
Some like to say these “God did this or needed that”
and I want to scream, “God wasn’t there!”
My health gone, the pain worse everyday,
People think time will heal that you were stolen.
Never on this side of hell will that happen.
I needed you, God gave you to me,
He did not take you away, negligence did.
I cannot pray, I cannot forgive, I need you,
and nothing will ever change that.
My beautiful son, you were so amazing-
different , special, your love was beyond compare.
One day, I will open a door, and
you will be there, smiling, and I will hold you,
and never ever let you go again.